this is just a rant and i need to vent and yeah. disregard.
i worry that i’m focusing too much on the people at school that will probably forget about me by next year. i have this unshakable feeling that people around here view me as stupid or at least kind of strange. and i don’t mean in the quirky, cute way, i mean in the “why does she talk” way. Erin (my roommate) and I finally starting to become really close; we stayed up til 3am last night talking and making bracelets and that’s basically what I’ve always wanted in a roommate and maybe she doesn’t even realize how much i appreciate that. But I worry that once we’re not living together she’ll forget.
I realize that this is sort of irrational; I have people that want to live with me next year but I worry that they won’t want to live with me as much the more that they get to know me. Also, I have a boyfriend that is pretty damn fond of me and I am pretty damn fond of him too, but again I’m worried that there’s still plenty that he doesn’t know about me (for example the extent of how neurotic I am)
i worry that the people that i’ve already established firm relationships are slipping away. I know that some of them are; it’s inevitable because I am living in a different state. This isn’t just limited to my friends, who are off on their own adventures understandably. I used to have a close relationship with my family members and i feel like i’m just missing out on so much in their lives. It’s not like I’m going to leave school and move back home because RIT has so many opportunities that are difficult to come by. But I find it really hard to be so far from the people I love constantly.
I worry that I put out way more than I get in return. That I waste too much energy caring in general.
I worry that I’ve lost my best friend since the seventh grade. I’m just worried about her in general, actually. I worry even more so that she’s better off without me. She might be.
I worry that I’m going to be a straight B student no matter how hard I try. For most things this wouldn’t bother me but I want to grow and become a great photographer and a great writer. I don’t want to be mediocre.
I worry that in the end all of this effort won’t amount to much anyway. I mean I’m not looking for fame or fortune or anything like that. But I’d really like to inspire someone out there to create. I want to turn intangible thoughts and feelings into something we can see and get our minds around, and at most I’d really like it if someone else might be able to feel something about my work. I want to make people smile.
I worry about a lot basically, but only in my head.
