observe

so a few weeks ago i was in a friend of mine’s room and somehow the subject of motor boating a girl came up. this leads to them questioning whether i’ve received one. i’m not usually open about my sex life at all and didn’t want to answer the question. i didn’t really feel like elaborating on how i felt they were invading my privacy, so i just shrugged my shoulders and said “i dunno”. in retrospect this wasn’t a very good response, and it was one of those things where it seemed okay until it actually left my lips. but whatever. anyway they all start laughing at me and saying HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HAH. and it was pretty funny at that moment, the whole nature of the conversation and everything. but it really really bothers me now, because they bring it back up every other day. i feel like i’m constantly being patronized by everyone around me. the thing that bothers me most is the fact that they would never bother somebody else about the details of their sex life. i think all of us would be disgusted if Cami got harassed for being a lesbian, or if the virgins were being ostracized for not getting laid. i know i would be disgusted, and i’d like it if maybe someone would stick up for me. even though i’m feeling more comfortable than i previously was, i still feel so fucking out of place all the time. i feel like i’m tricking myself into thinking that i have friends. the people on my floor accept me, but i always feel on the outs on account of being a right brained person; i’m the butt of their jokes for being such a “hipster”, due to my obscure taste in music and the fact that i’m a photographer and always write and the clothes that i sometimes wear. i know it’s supposed to be a joke but it still gets on my nerves. i have friends outside of the people on my floor, but i don’t really feel like i belong there either. mostly they’re other artists. some of them party a whole lot, and being an introvert i don’t feel comfortable in that sort of environment. some of them smoke or drink a whole lot and i don’t feel like i should be around that either because i don’t want it to become one of the focal points of my life, therefore i miss out on a lot of the fun that they have. some of them aren’t really into any of that, which is nice but i’m afraid that they just think i’m straight up weird. but there’s not all that much i can do, about any of it. so i get teased about motor boats every day and it’s humiliating. if they understood the extent of what i’ve been through, how hard i try to forget some of the things i’ve been subject to, i think they would shut their fucking mouths. i’m so goddamn tired of keeping everything to myself, but at the same time i have too much fucking pride (or maybe just not enough courage) to talk things out with people. probably this is some form of sexual harassment but i feel like bringing that up would make the whole joke funnier. so i’ve been spending more time in my room lately. i just want to have some people that i know will still be around once i move out of the dorms. i have some great friends at home, hours and hours away, and i’d really just love to have somebody that i could count on up here to stay in my life for a while. someone that would accept me for being myself, because i’m not going to pretend to be something that i’m not. i’m staying at RIT, and there are a lot of things that i love about college, but simultaneously being here has been the greatest challenge i’ve ever faced. oh and the worst part is i’ve never even been motor boated. i just never corrected them because i decided whether or not i have been, they shouldn’t treat me any differently.